23 November 2009

Joke : Dog Story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For
Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog
is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In
no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t.

14 October 2009

Joke : Typing Errors

A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

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A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here."
The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her.."

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A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"

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Moral of the Story:

1. Double proof read everything before you send.

2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.

3. Don't order cakes by telephone.

19 September 2009

Meaning Thoughts

Never explain yourself to anyone.
Because the person who likes you doesn't need it, and the person who dislikes you won't believe it.

Whatever you give to life, it gives you back.
Do not hate anybody.
The hatred which comes out from you will someday comeback to you.
Love others. And love will comeback to you.

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else;
And for everything you gain, you lose something else.
It's about your outlook towards life. You can either regret or rejoice.

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you;
It's when you don't understand yourself.

Arrow goes forward only after pulling in to backward.
Bullet goes forward only after pressing the trigger backward.
Every human being will get happy only after facing difficulties in their life path...
So do not afraid to face your difficulties.
They will push you forward.

Remember you are born to live.
Don't live because you are born !
Don't go the way life takes you...
Take life the way you go !

What we are today is result of our own past actions;
Whatever we wish to be in future depends on our present actions;
Decide how you have to act now.
We are responsible for what we are, whatever we wish ourselves to be.
We have the power to make ourselves.

Over the same sea, on the same winds;
A ship sails in one direction, another in opposite.
It's not the wind that decides which direction the ship goes;
Its the sails; how they are tied and how they are manuevered.
Similarly, it is not fate that decides where your life is going;
It is all about how you take life and where you take it to.

07 June 2009

The Wise Songbird

a philosophical story
contributed by: anonymous

Once upon a time there was a golden songbird that lived in a beautiful garden. It spent all its days singing the loveliest songs to the honour of its maker and the delight of all the people who heard it.

But the keeper of the garden, who was a foolish and greedy man, coveted the little songster, and one day he made a cunning net in which he snared it. The little bird begged the man to release him and promised to tell him three great secrets if only he would let him go. Now the gardener really was a very greedy man and rubbing his hands together, he eagerly released the bird.

Then the songbird told him it’s three great secrets:
Never believe all that you hear;
Never regret what you have never lost, and never throw away that which you have in your keeping.

The gardener was furious when he heard this and said he had known these so-called ‘secrets’ since he was a little child and shouted that the bird had tricked him. But the songbird quietly replied that if the man had really known these three secrets, or only the last of them, he would never have let him go.
Then the bird added:

“I have a most precious jewel weighing over three ounces hidden inside me and whoever possesses that marvellous stone will have every wish granted.”

On hearing this, the keeper roared like a lion and cursed himself for setting the songster free. But the little bird only added fuel to his rage by explaining that since he weighed no more than half an ounce at most, as anyone with eyes could plainly see, how was it possible that a gem weighing more than three ounces could be hidden within it’s tiny body?

At that the man tore his hair and lunged at the bird in a towering rage, but the little songbird flew to a nearby branch and added sweetly:
“Since you never had the jewel in your hands you are already regretting what you never lost, and believing what I told you, you threw it away by setting me free.”

Then the little songbird told the man to study well these three great secrets and so become as wise as the bird himself!

15 May 2009

Joke : Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and Hockey3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 4.2.

Regards,
Tech Support

30 April 2009

Joke : How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!! 
 
Dear Bo$$ 
 
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
 
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon . 
 
 
Your$
$incerely, 
 
 
Marian $hih 
 
 
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply: 
 
 
Dear Marian 
 
I kNOw you have been working very hard.
NOwadays,NO thing much has changed. You must have Noticed that our company is Not doing NOticeably well as yet. 
 
 
NO w the newspapers are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. 
 
 
I have NO thing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

 
Yours truly, 
Manager 
 
 
NOrman WAYland

5 Lessons to Make Us Think About the Way We Treat People.

I got another email from my friend. I don't know whether this story is based on real story or just a fiction.
But... even if this story is not based on the real event, at least we still can learn something from it.




Five (5) lessons to make us think about the way we treat people.


1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

'What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?'

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

'Absolutely,' said the professor. 'In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'hello.'

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m. , an elderly African-American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s... The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached...

It read:
'Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.'

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

'How much is an ice cream sundae?' he asked.

'Fifty cents,' replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

'Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?' he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

'Thirty-five cents,' she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

'I'll have the plain ice cream,' he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies...

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the s ide of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes I'll do it if it will save her.' As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away'.

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.