The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...
On a Saturday morning...
after breakfast...
Dad:
People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
Mum:
Same here,
I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.
Son:
Me too,
I never use the home phone.
I always use my company mobile.
Maid:
So - what is the problem?
We all use our work telephones !!!!!
23 October 2008
14 October 2008
Zen and The Art of Parodi
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
5. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
7. Never forget taht you're unique, like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.
13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again ? It was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in a half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. when we are born we are naked, wet hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
25. The most wasted day of all is one which we have not laughed.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
5. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
7. Never forget taht you're unique, like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.
13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again ? It was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in a half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. when we are born we are naked, wet hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
25. The most wasted day of all is one which we have not laughed.
06 October 2008
Points to Ponder
An APHORISM is a short, pointed sentence expressing a wise or clever observation or a general truth. Here are some "gems".
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than a Yugo.
19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than a Yugo.
19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter.
Joke : La Computadora or El Computador
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4 As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4 As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
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