WE'VE ALL TALKED TO THIS GUY...LoL

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
 
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
 
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
 
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
 
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'
 
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
 
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
 
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
 
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

Joke : Old Time Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife,

'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence…

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'.

Joke : Italian Tomato Gardener

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual  tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was too hard. 
His only son, Frankie, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

Dear Francesco,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my  tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden  plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you'd be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days  later he received a letter from his son. 

Dear Pop,  
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.   

Love,  Frankie 

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man  and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Frankie

Joke : Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's.

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farted.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.  Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?

'Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price.."

Joke : Jewellery Store

A lady walks into a jewellery store.

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farted.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional, he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

'Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price.."

Joke : Don't Mess with Chinese

This joke is for fun only. Please don't take it as a racist joke. ^^

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A lawyer and an Chinese are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that all Chinese are so dumb that he could get over on them, easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Chinese would like to play a fun game. The Chinese is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines, and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Chinese's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Chinese doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the

lawyer.?

Now, it's the Chinese's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chinese and hands him $500. The Chinese pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chinese up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?

The Chinese reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Chinese.

Joke : Dog Story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a

sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For

Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog

is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador

retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I

was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In

no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in

rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would

be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But

the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any

younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the

airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious

characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and

was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for

the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so

cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t.

Joke : Typing Errors

A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as

"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here."

The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her.."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.

So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.

He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".

The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"

The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.

It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moral of the Story:

1. Double proof read everything before you send.

2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.

3. Don't order cakes by telephone.

Joke : Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and Hockey3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 4.2.

Regards,

Tech Support

Joke : How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!! 

 

Dear Bo$$ 

 

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

 

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon . 

 

 

Your$

$incerely, 

 

 

Marian $hih 

 

 

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply: 

 

 

Dear Marian 

 

I kNOw you have been working very hard.

NOwadays,NO thing much has changed. You must have Noticed that our company is Not doing NOticeably well as yet. 

 

 

NO w the newspapers are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. 

 

 

I have NO thing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

 

Yours truly, 

Manager 

 

 

NOrman WAYland

Joke : Just One Hole Behind

Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

'I'm in sales.' she said.

He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?'

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, 'I sell SOFTEX (Sanitary Napkins)'.

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one hole behind you.'

source : unknown - got it from chained email

A Little Joke. Why so Serious ???

Recently, I'm pretty busy at home and at work. I don't have enough time to post new content to this blog. Sorry...

Today I got an email... just a little joke. I hope it can make smile to your face. ^^

OK, here it is ...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Haha... so... what's the moral of this story ?
I think you got it right, right ? :lol:

Joke : Telephone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...
On a Saturday morning...
after breakfast...

Dad:

People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.
I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum:

Same here,

I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son:

Me too,
I never use the home phone.
I always use my company mobile.

Maid:
So - what is the problem?
We all use our work telephones !!!!!

Joke : La Computadora or El Computador

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4 As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Joke : Funny Family Problem

Another joke is here.
Please don't laugh in front of your own computer... haha


Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American,'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said,'Talking about love marriages, I'll tell you my story... I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred
when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems. Give me a break!!!.

Joke : Lie Detector Robot. Good One !!

Haah... I'm running out of fresh content.
Hope you like this one :

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to change him.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

When Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school passed 5:30 pm , Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?", they asked.

"We went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lips quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered aa roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Joke : Pregnant Girl

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'

Joke : Divorce Letter

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together. We will have a great life!




Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the LOTTO of 10 MILLION DOLLARS, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But, when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.


Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.

Joke : What's the difference

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of an MG when he spotted a heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the sports car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and then put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $40000 a year and you get $150000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

The Difference Between Potentially and Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ... But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo."